As I sit here penning my 13th attempt at this blog, all I can think about is - how do I tell the people back home that these past few weeks have been a slow steady slide into a bog of discouragement? I really should have kept up with the daily blogging, because then you would know what I mean. But that would mean facing my growing sense of ineptitude and failure for an hr each day. And I am just not courageous enough for that. I'm sorry.
Let me back up - why am I so discouraged? I guess the ultimate answer is that I don't have the faith to see what God is doing in or through me. It's often not even an event that makes me discouraged - it's the LACK of momentum and direction that dampen my hope. Today is July 13. I have been here almost a full month, and I still don't know how to effectively show God's love to the people I meet. I have all this time and money to give to people and I don't know what to do with it. And the more time goes by, the more pressure and panic I feel to do something meaningful with it. This must be what a mid-life crisis feels like.
Most of what I am doing here is really just talking to random people, inviting them to cook outs and hoping that it will turn into a friendship where we can talk about deeper things. I wonder how effective it all is. We joke around and talk about where we're from, our family, what we're doing in Mississauga, etc. And who knows? Maybe they felt a little bit more connected with people, and not so cut off in our urban jungle after we say goodbye. But maybe they were just making conversation with a random friendly stranger just to pass the time. How much of God's love am I spreading by being friendly and nice to strangers? I know that only God knows, but a part of me says "not much".
Another part of being discouraged is being part of a team who throws parties and invites people out to events the people don't really come to. That sucks. It's like elementary school all over again.
Ultimately, I'm frustrated at God for not making it more clear what He wants me to do. I feel like I'm misreading His marching orders. And this is after more prayer and God-pondering than I have done in a long time. Aren't Christ followers more than conquerors? Aren't we imbued with the Holy Spirit? I just want to know for certain that God is doing SOMETHING in me and through me.
Could you please, please pray for me? Pray that God will give me some more faith to see Him at work. Intellectually, I know He is. I just don't remember the last time it involved me.
Love, Joyce
PS: I'm very very sorry if I've worried any of you for my hiatus from this blog. I am safe and in one piece. (In spite of the foot/ankle injury from playing soccer) I really just didn't know how to write in detail about how I feel like I'm failing on multiple fronts. Apparently, I don't deal well with failure.
Thanks for giving your update! I can finally update the website with new content!!! =)
ReplyDeleteFocus on what you're doing 'right' or what you've been able to accomplish first. Then even though you haven't done it all, you feel much better just by changing your perspective =)
Hard To Get
ReplyDeleteRich Mullins
You who live in heaven
Hear the prayers of those of us who live on earth
Who are afraid of being left by those we love
And who get hardened by the hurt
Do you remember when You lived down here where we all scrape
To find the faith to ask for daily bread
Did You forget about us after You had flown away
Well I memorized every word You said
Still I'm so scared, I'm holding my breath
While You're up there just playing hard to get
You who live in radiance
Hear the prayers of those of us who live in skin
We have a love that's not as patient as Yours was
Still we do love now and then
Did You ever know loneliness
Did You ever know need
Do You remember just how long a night can get?
When You were barely holding on
And Your friends fall asleep
And don't see the blood that's running in Your sweat
Will those who mourn be left uncomforted
While You're up there just playing hard to get?
And I know you bore our sorrows
And I know you feel our pain
And I know it would not hurt any less
Even if it could be explained
And I know that I am only lashing out
At the One who loves me most
And after I figured this, somehow
All I really need to know
Is if You who live in eternity
Hear the prayers of those of us who live in time
We can't see what's ahead
And we can not get free of what we've left behind
I'm reeling from these voices that keep screaming in my ears
All the words of shame and doubt, blame and regret
I can't see how You're leading me unless You've led me here
Where I'm lost enough to let myself be led
And so You've been here all along I guess
It's just Your ways and You are just plain hard to get